Hello,
Many Queer (I use it as an umbrella term) people have had such a hard road to carve out space for themselves. I feel I am a bit of an interloper. I am a tom-boy (I type of gender queer I suppose), man-loving, women. My husband announced he needed to live as a women. It was very hard for both of us. Coming out was as hard for me as it was for her. Our co-workers asked me infuriating questions about how we had sex, and what my spouse genitalia were, if he were planning surgery. All subjects my spouse was not shy about but I would cut off my arm before feed the water-cooler gossip more fodder. My spouse was fired quietly (and legally), while I had to work double shifts under the o try and make the chauvinist pig that did it to try and make the difference. Our oldest friends asked us not to come to family friendly functions, or worse asked only me to come. My family decided I was gay. Neighbors reported to Child Protective Service that were deviants and abusing our son, as we have a beautiful baby.
During this timed I went on a personal journey to discover my own gender identity as a women, what it means to be a women, and most importantly my sexual orientation. I left my spouse when I decided I was not attracted to women, or worse I wasn't attracted to her. But it is not that simple.
While we dated he had cross-dressed occasionally and privately and I had enjoyed it. I took her out of that closet. I helped propelled her into transition. I enjoy sex acts that are typically male. I enjoy male gay porn.
More relevantly I love the person I married. When I returned home (from a deployment) I found that she had begun living as a man again. He identifies as gender fluid. I missed him so much during the last year and a half.
I moved out of state for a better quality of life. I brought my spouse with and we are trying to make domesticity work. It has been great. But I know this masculine swing isn't going to last. I am afraid. I am anxious of what it will be like when he feels he needs to be woman again. I am afraid of the neighbors. I hated being asked things, being mistook for a lesbian, being turned off by the female trappings. I hated his self hate, I love his body, his broad shoulders, his narrow hips, and manly arms.
I know gender fluid is different for everyone. He and I talk all the time it doesn't put me at ease like I want it to. I wish there were people who could understand. My friends know, they respect my decision but they don't understand why we are together again. I want a husband. I want my husband. I want to support him in his identity but I did that once and it was horrific. It caused havoc in my life, and my heart I am not soon to forget.
Where do we go from here? What is fluidity mean, in my life, for my family?
Many Queer (I use it as an umbrella term) people have had such a hard road to carve out space for themselves. I feel I am a bit of an interloper. I am a tom-boy (I type of gender queer I suppose), man-loving, women. My husband announced he needed to live as a women. It was very hard for both of us. Coming out was as hard for me as it was for her. Our co-workers asked me infuriating questions about how we had sex, and what my spouse genitalia were, if he were planning surgery. All subjects my spouse was not shy about but I would cut off my arm before feed the water-cooler gossip more fodder. My spouse was fired quietly (and legally), while I had to work double shifts under the o try and make the chauvinist pig that did it to try and make the difference. Our oldest friends asked us not to come to family friendly functions, or worse asked only me to come. My family decided I was gay. Neighbors reported to Child Protective Service that were deviants and abusing our son, as we have a beautiful baby.
During this timed I went on a personal journey to discover my own gender identity as a women, what it means to be a women, and most importantly my sexual orientation. I left my spouse when I decided I was not attracted to women, or worse I wasn't attracted to her. But it is not that simple.
While we dated he had cross-dressed occasionally and privately and I had enjoyed it. I took her out of that closet. I helped propelled her into transition. I enjoy sex acts that are typically male. I enjoy male gay porn.
More relevantly I love the person I married. When I returned home (from a deployment) I found that she had begun living as a man again. He identifies as gender fluid. I missed him so much during the last year and a half.
I moved out of state for a better quality of life. I brought my spouse with and we are trying to make domesticity work. It has been great. But I know this masculine swing isn't going to last. I am afraid. I am anxious of what it will be like when he feels he needs to be woman again. I am afraid of the neighbors. I hated being asked things, being mistook for a lesbian, being turned off by the female trappings. I hated his self hate, I love his body, his broad shoulders, his narrow hips, and manly arms.
I know gender fluid is different for everyone. He and I talk all the time it doesn't put me at ease like I want it to. I wish there were people who could understand. My friends know, they respect my decision but they don't understand why we are together again. I want a husband. I want my husband. I want to support him in his identity but I did that once and it was horrific. It caused havoc in my life, and my heart I am not soon to forget.
Where do we go from here? What is fluidity mean, in my life, for my family?
Kali,
ReplyDeleteIt's very brave and probably very therapeutic for you to write this blog. Congratulations for facing your fears. It isn't easy to do. My situation is very similar in ways to yours. I have known all along that my spouse had this desire and I do feel lucky that I have had the time to consider what may come in time. We have been married over 10 years now and I do consider this my soulmate. We have just recently begun to explore this on a much deeper (but still private) level. We haven't experienced the outside opinions yet and I know that is going to be a long and hard road, but I feel really ready for it.
I, like you, am a tomboy-ish woman who is attracted to men. I don't actually mind the thought of being with a woman sexually, but don't know that it could satisfy me forever. I don't really know how I will feel about any changes that might come, but am optimistic.
I identify with a lot of what you are saying and have felt a lot of the same feelings about our relationship. What I have come to discover very recently is actually more about myself. I was afraid before. I don't know how or when that changed, but it did. I think a lot of that had to do with counseling that I had a few years ago related to my anxiety and depression about losing my father. It taught me a few things about myself that has helped me now take a step back and look in the mirror. That isn't easy. For me, I had a realization that what I was most afraid of is confronting my own emotion. I didn't want to be that girl who cries about hurt feelings, not again. I've been hurt and put up walls that nobody, not even a husband, could get through.
I was afraid that a change, if that is what is to be, would make this person want someone other than me. Would I have to be girly now? I never hung out with girls much, I liked the company of men who don't get emotional, just live for the moment and like to have fun. I was always "one of the guys". Would that change my spouse's feelings for me if he becomes her? Would she question my femininity? Am I an adequate woman? I don't like makeup or shopping, would I have to start to? Why was I attracted to this person in the first place that obviously has more emotion than me? These were all questions and fears I had. What I came to realize is that my spouse has known me all along, probably better than I realized or even knew myself, and still loved me anyway. I do not have to change, but my relationship has.
As many hard emotional days as we have had and I know will have in the future, I am now in the most honest relationship I have ever been. It's scary and exciting at the same time. Will my desire for men go away? No, it's who I am and we both know that. How do we resolve that? I still don't know that answer, but right now all I want is for the love of my life to be true to herself. We will cross those other bridges when we get to them. The most important thing is that we are talking about all of it. Not in anger or frustration, but in an understanding and open way.
You wrote about liking when he was dressed up sometimes. I urge you to think about why. What about that did you like? For me, it was a more open person who wasn't afraid to be in the moment. I liked it, but it did scare me too. I could be more open too and was more in control.
Your journey is obviously your own and maybe it feels lonely. You have already been in some very negative situations and I can't pretend to know how that feels yet. It's okay to feel whatever you are feeling, you have that right. (Something I learned in therapy) :) Whatever your decisions are in the future, just know that you do have support out there. We are a small group, but I have never read about so many strong people in my life. Feel free to email me if you need to talk or need to vent.
~B
B-
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments. I am never sure how much history to delve into on my blog. It has been 3 years on this gender struggle now. I feel like things are coming to a middle. I am glad you are seeking out experiences of other wives. Although I doubt you will find any answers there. I never did.
How do you resolve your love for men? Is the same question as how does your mate resolve their need to be a women? You don't: it just is. It doesn't go away. Some women live celibate with their partner, although this option would cause your partner to live celibate too and I am sure they have something to say about that. Others have open relationships, a very difficult road for many. It requires much balance, security, and understanding to not be too painful or impossible. Others remain friends and leave the marriage. None of these things are easy for the wives.
There are lots of blogs for trans women, and cross-dressers. But few that acknowledge the pain of the wife. I write often in pain and anger, because I can here. I am not bearing the cross of my partners unfortunate gender expression like a saint. That is not my understanding of my role or my experience. I have read those blogs. They are not for me. I love my partner as much as those women do. But this, this is hard. I struggle. I cry. I love my partner. I process my feelings, and I say what I like because this is a safe space for us. To have our journey, not just follow theirs.
Welcome
Kali