Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Inapproperiate Power

I left my transgendered husband a year ago.

The time leading up to the end of our marriage was full of grief and pain. I read books. I talked endlessly with my spouse about my feelings of loss and fear. I even when to a Tri Ess meeting (which I highly recommend if your partner is closeted and identifies as a Cross-dresser (CD)). Tri Ess wasn't for me because the wives exact a totalitarian amount of control over there partners gender expressions that was not conducive to my partnership style. I am not comfortable telling my mate when and how to dress, if he can go out, what procedures are okay and what are not. He is not my ward, he is my husband, and it would be a disservice to our relationship to take such control. That was the advice I got over and over by friends and family. 'Put your foot down,' they would say. 'Tell him your not going to put up with this.' 'Just let him know that this in not what you signed up for.' As if he didn't know that I was drowning in sorrow. He knew. He just didn't know what to do about it. I felt unsupported.

He would hold me and tell me over and over again, If you want to me to live as a man then I will.  The question became, do I have the right as a human being to ask someone I love to not be who they are? Does anyone? The answer was always, no: now what?

I realized that if I stayed I would force him to smoother this awaking understanding of self that was so joyfully being discovering. If he did 'regress' how long would it last? A week, a month, maybe a year if I was very intolerant. No. I could love him as he was, then I needed to let him go. I had to end our marriage. Most importantly I had to make my self a promise not to go back to him no matter what happened. My presence would only hinder his personal growth. If he could not fully understand his gender because all he thought about was losing me, then I would make everything possible.

I left my husband one year ago because I could not and would not ask him to stay a man for me. Love was not enough to keep us together, it was enough for me to let him go. I left emotionally exhausted.

My ex was living as a man when I came home. He insisted that he wanted to live as a man and that was that. I didn't believe that, but I know he did. Marcy doesn't lie, except perhaps sometimes to himself. We bonded over drawing up the divorce and custody papers. We have always been best friends. I had missed him so much. Slowly I let our lives re-entangle, I forgot why I left.

We were content. Life was a blur of vacation, shared burdens of childcare, finances, and physical support. When we first got back together I was super intolerant of any CDing, I didn't want to think about it. I didn't want to see it. I would be anxious, angry, and sad. Marcy insisted it was, again, just a hobby. I knew better, but told myself it was his decision to live the way he did. Who am I to judge, he choose me.

One of my closes friends, Floria, visited us. Floria had helped me through the separation. She took me aside and asked me what the hell I was doing. I was very surprised that Floria was not upset that I had gone back. She was most troubled that I was intolerant of the CDing. She told me her parents story. Floria's father loved being a dad, and loved her mother but he was transgender and it was too much for their marriage. They separated and got back together over and over. There were tears and shouting matches. Floria's father was never happy. He could have the children and his wife or his gender. Floria was adamant, I have to leave Marcy or let her be how she is. There is no in between.

It was a wake up call. We couldn't live like this. Over the last month I have  made an effort to be much more laisse-faire. I have said things like, do what you need to, and maybe you should. Last week Marcy told me that she wants go to work as a women, and grow her hair out, go back on anti-androgen's, and get laser hair removal. She wants to live as a women. Except on weekends with me she says.

No surprise. After all I have known that for almost 2 years. I still feel like kicking myself.

Play it again, Sam. At least she told me and didn't ask. 

Marcy says that she feel much more deliberate about transitioning this time. Like somehow there is a configuration and speed that will make the loss bearable. I know that she has come to the conclusion to transition again because she has love, support, and resources. If those things went away so would her desire. That his what happened last time. Loving her means, supporting her or leaving. If I leave I am certain the cycle will repeat.

I am still very uncomfortable with the power dynamic. It makes it hard to share my pain with others. They don't understand my hesitance to ask for...well anything that has to do with his gender. It is not my place, only it is my relationship.

Please share your experiences with the control factor of gender expressions in your s/o.

1 comment:

  1. Sorry I didn't see this until just now, I thought the blog thing would update me on other peoples' blogs. :) Still new to all this. I started my own blog, it explains more of my/our story. Feel free to look at it or even link to it if you like:

    I do understand your pain. I know each of our situations is unique, but yes, this is very hard. I'm finding that I have to face myself more than I ever have, which is harder in a way than facing what is happening in my marriage. Who does that make me? Who am I? Why did I willingly go into this relationship when I knew where it might go? Tough questions.

    We wives aren't saints for staying, but there must be a reason we ended up in this situation. Maybe we are drawn to some aspect of this person that connects us. Maybe we were meant to help each other find our true selves. Who knows?

    Ah, the men thing...I have no idea right now how that will resolve. No, it won't go away. I am who I am, and that isn't anything to be ashamed of. I like men. I do also happen to kind of like women sexually, but my main preference is for men. I like sex in general I guess. I have some issues in that department too.

    The other wives’ blogs are helpful in a way, but are also very difficult to read. I think most try to be positive not only so they can keep going, but for others. I always am trying to end mine on a positive note if possible. When I'm ending on a bad note, I wait a day or two and re-read it so I can figure out if there is something I didn't see before.

    I'm just beginning this journey and I know there are going to be many more painful moments, but I'm hopeful that it will lead us to where each of us needs to be. Hopefully that is together. We have talked more in the past month than in the past 13 years. No, we haven't experienced being "out" yet, so I don't know how that will be, but I'm so tired of hiding, but scared to let other people in. Ugh….

    Your email address isn't on your profile, but I’d really like you to email me. I feel like we have a lot in common and I’d like to talk more, but maybe not SO publicly. I’m not sure how much to delve into either on a blog.  My email is