Saturday, December 7, 2013

Sexual Satisfactions

It came to my attention lately that few wives and gender variant partners talk about the specifics of their sexual relations. I understand the trepidation. I have danced around the subject many times. My sex-capades are my own and I really want them to be judged by my neighbors, friends, or coworkers. That being said the changes in my relationship touch every aspect of my life. Sex is no exception. I think that everyone has to negotiate the changes in this area their own way. I do wish more people were willing to talk about their sex life struggles as it might be helpful to see that individually we stand together in the insistence that, whatever they are, we have sexual needs that may be difficult to meet with the change. 

I discovered recently that some of my own sexual behavior could be considered fetishistic. I have a phallic fetish, on men. It sounds a little absurd, as most men are born with there very own phallus, and purportedly heterosexual and bisexual women are attracted to men; it doesn't seem like a stretch that I would be attracted to dick. I think I enjoy dick more than the average women (well, androphile, you know what I am getting at). One of the greatest things about becoming sexually active was being allowed to play with penis (and testis). I am so grateful that my first partner didn't make fun of me. I didn't know that my penis fetish was unusual. I figured my friends were just tight lipped about how much they love, touching, gazing, exciting, kissing...their partners genitals. I had male friends who talk about loving to do cunnilingus; certainly I was not the only female who need not to be cajoled into giving head? Well I have enjoyed several partners now. Each and everyone of them commented on my adoration of their genitalia. ::shrug:: So I decided to call it a penis fetish. When someone says what so important about dick (as has happened since I entered the gender variant community) I want to gasp and cover my mouth scandalized. I just can't understand. That is not my experience. I also enjoy gay male porn. (Which is more common than you think).

So that being said. What happens if my partner no longer wants theirs? It is their penis. I can't claim it. But it is the only one I have to play with. I would have a need that is unfulfilled if it became less than functional or was removed. This is just theoretical at the moment, as my partner rarely talks about SRS. She only thinks it would be a reality if we were no longer having sex with each other. Which may very well happen.

I am not attracted to her as a female. Long hair, painted fingernails, lipstick, a fashionable scarf, matching bra and panties. She is a cutie. I think she is adorable but not sexy. I have to close my eyes and picture my husband with his army haircut, in jeans and a Star Wars t-shirt to get in the mood. Sex while she is en femme is very difficult for me. It involves lots of imagination and often results in less than orgasmic results. Also I feel like I am lying when we have sex when she is presenting female. Even pegging is less satisfactory because well that fantasy has to do with 2 phallus toting men.

This is problematic. My penis fetish remains. Part of me is certain that we will be fine so long as I can get her naked and worship the bits of her that don't match the high heeled shoes, and lovely earrings. Part of me believes that sex will disappear. It is not really that simple so much goes into sexual attraction.

A sexual relationship with my partner will be a very hard thing for me to let go of.

I am not sure how to conclude this entry except to point out that my partner as sexual need that are less than fully fulfilled by me. I know she likes the idea of being with a man as a women. I know that she wants to have sex as a women, and enjoys being more passive. These are things that are difficult (or physically impossible) for me to give her.

I am not opening my sex life up for comment, I am sure we will find a way to make it work or give it up. I just want you to know as a reader that these are very real issue to do with transition that are universal to spouses, regardless of that actual nuts and bolts of the conflict. Feel free to share here, if you are comfortable. We have to talk about these things. If we can't talk about them to each other who can we share them with?

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