Wednesday, December 4, 2013

On Rage

I recall, I felt my life was like a child's beloved macaroni art work, in which, pieces were falling off, during last transition. I couldn't stop them: No matter how hard I tried I couldn't make them glue back in place.

I described myself as crazy. I wasn't: that word is used too often. I was sad. I mourned the loss of things I was not sure I had lost. I was afraid of things to come. Of things I didn't yet have a plan for. I did not ever identify my feelings as futility or anger. I think women are taught not the should not feel anger. If a women expresses anger she is labeled bitchy, hormonal, or out of control.

In Fluidity I spoke about my coming out. How I was received and perceived as the wife of a Cross Dresser (or more accurately transgender). How unpleasant it was. The post was selfish, the feelings are self absorbed. It feels good to be selfish about this and to acknowledge my own pain. My discomfort over my new sensationalized relationship did not push me to feeling unglued. It made me feel enraged.

I don't know how other people live with bigotry, discrimination, or ignorance. I don't know how people can calmly live there lives when someone hates them enough to kill without ever having met. I witnessed a hate crime during this period of anger. I was on duty. I assisted man beaten for holding hands with his boyfriend. I cried, privately. I wanted the perpetrator to die, for his ignorance, for his hate. I doubt the victim pressed charges because it would have been a hardship on them, but it really shook me. These things happen.

My spouse would tell me how people reacted when she went out alone. She told me about the woman who reported a Tranny in the locker room to the gym management. When asked by management what inappropriateness had been witness she said that my spouse had been fully clothed, and had wash washed its hands. Management told my spouse that she could not use the communal bathrooms of either gender. I was angry for weeks, at the management. People say and do stupid things all the time. You don't have any right or responsibility to enforce stupid.

My workplace fired my spouse after she came out on Facebook. I wanted to walked around with a chip on my shoulder. I wanted to kick peoples faces in. The ones who took double takes, the ones who used terms like He-She, or It. I wanted to calmly retort to inappropriate questions about genitalia and surgeries with equally inappropriate questions like; how is your wife's infertility? What are the dimensions of your penis? Have you ever had homosexual sex? That was the plan in my head, but I couldn't calm my rage enough. I cried in anger, quietly when I was alone.

My friends, our friends had just as hard of time with the whole gender change thing as I did. Well, I should say almost, because really I lived with 14 year old girl version of my husband, while they saw her occasionally. Much more occasionally than before too. We were uninvited to a picnic because there would be children present. Another time I was invited to a friends birthday but told not to bring my spouse because the birthday girl's new boyfriend was christian and they were not sure if he would be comfortable with a trans-women sharing cake and wine with him. It was just simpler not to see him. I hated them. I saw red.

What do people say about those who stick with you when your ship is sinking...they are worth it and those who abandon you are not. Well they weren't abandonning me, just him. They made that perfectly clear. I hated them. I wanted to shout at them, I wanted them to feel ashamed.

Shame is all anyone should feel when they are confronted by there own bigotry.

I yelled at some. I estranged my parents, my best friend, my co-workers. But mostly, and quite confusingly I understood. Even my biggest champions were not ready to endanger their reputations for his gender presentation, their place in the church, in there family. Would you risk losing visitation of your children by having your crazy ex-wife meet an excentric friend in a dress? How about your job? How about your spouse? I hated understanding them, it interfered with my loathing and did nothing to lessen the pain or betrayl.

I was not angry at my husband. I am still not. The anger is back though. I fear that she will come out again without my knowledge or input as before. That I will be drafted into a war I never volunteered fore.That is the place I don't want to be in again.

1 comment:

  1. Kali,

    This is an extremely thoughtful post. I agree, we aren't “supposed” to be angry as women, right? It really makes you think a lot about the stereotypes in society and even in our own heads. It sounds like you don't subscribe to the social norms for yourself and your gender. I have that part of me too that when someone says, "Oh, get one of the guys to lift that for you..." I want to punch them in the face and say "F*** you, I don't need a man!" I'm not a delicate flower. I'm not what society tells me I can and can't be. But I still like being a woman. Why? Still figuring out who I actually am in this crazy world. :)

    The violence thing really scares me. We don't live in a place where there is a lot of crime, but something bad could happen. To either one of us. There are some really hateful people in the world. I can't live in fear though. I know I'm going to be terrified the first few times we are out in public, but mainly for the fear of the violence.

    I know it's going to hurt hearing the comments or seeing the stares too, but that part I can deal with. It’s going to suck and I’m sure there will be lots of tears, but I will be able to deal with it. Yes, I can understand it too. We all can. We've all had those thoughts about, "Why would someone go out in public like that?" There's a whole website dedicated to the people of WalMart making fun of what people wear in public. I'm guilty of laughing at that. I should be more sensitive. I am completely for everyone having the right to their own lives. Every person is unique and has a place in this world, no matter what anyone else thinks of us.

    As far as the loss of people or jobs...I feel like the people you lose might not be people who you needed in the first place. It might just take time for some people to come to grips with it and realize that the person inside hasn't changed, just the appearance. I am not afraid of losing my friends, mostly because I surround myself with open minded people. There might be some family that won't want to accept it, but that's okay too.

    Other people have a right to their feelings too. That's the hardest thing to accept. They have the right to their feelings, no matter how stupid we might think they are. They don't have the right to be hurtful or violent, but we can't change how people feel. You shouldn't enforce stupid, but it's also not your responsibility to make people understand. Some just won't. Ever. That's not your problem, it's theirs. Yes, that’s easy to say and hard to practice or believe, but it’s what I strive for. Letting go of that need for approval.

    I agree that you should be made aware of what your spouse's plans are. I wouldn't want my spouse coming out without telling me first. We talk about every step of this. Your feelings do have to be considered if you are going to make the marriage work. Just keep talking. Communication is the biggest thing that has helped me right now.

    Hang in there. Thanks for posting again, I have been wondering what's been going on. :)